10.2

I was too weak. 
She wanted to be with me because we had such good times together, but I never made a move. 
And then I let her go.

10.1

You must be strong and loving at the same time.

Feigned indifference and performative love are useless.

You must look her in the eye, knowing that everything is how it should be. Love.

Your job as a protector and provider is to keep her happy, peaceful, and satisfied.

The level of trust I had in Catherine was so much more than what I had in Sarah, Rayna, Autumn, Pearl, Lauren...

And it was broken. All at once.

Because I wasn't good enough.

Because I was weak.

Because I sought to secure a future without securing the present.

That's what a weak man does. He avoids what he really wants. Saves it for later.

He puts control in the hands of someone else.

A strong man pursues his desires when they come.

A beautiful woman arouses those desires.

Catherine liked it when I flirted with her. She liked it when I touched her. She liked it when I said I wanted to see her tan.

And I, a weak man, did nothing.

A weak fool I am.

Of course it was my fault.

Pussy bitch.

Never give up.

I am increasing in strength.

That's why I told her off, two days ago.

But I am not yet at the level required.

That's why I did not pursue her.


9.30

Perhaps the real problem with Catherine was not lack of achievement, but instability.

Stability was my vision with Sarah, that day. Silversmithing, living in a decent house with some land.

Stability in the short term is meaningless. What about stability for our descendants?

That's the problem. None of us have families. None of us are invested in the future.

We are trying to aggressively shape the present.

It doesn't have to be this way. Everything I do seems to have a short and long-term option.

Everything I do needs to be connected to that tradition.

Honestly, this is the difference between Christianity and not.

People who make their living from chaos are meant to be bred out of society.

The problem, the core problem that I have wrestled with time and time again, is that we need those people.

They are our best soldiers.

Love from the heart is long-term.

Love from the head is not.

Calculating love, love which is trying to achieve an outcome, is not love.

That is why it is so imperative to either speak to someone or do not think of them.

Elsewise, the head becomes disconnected from the heart.

The tongue becomes disconnected from love.

And love falls out of the relationship.

It should never be that way.

I really did love Catherine.

I'm just a piece of shit.


~8.30

All I want is for her to keep being happy and innocent.

That is why I don't want to discuss too much of politics with her.

Because I love her. And I love Life when I am with her.

If there is any point of politics in this world, it is to have more girls like Catherine.

Girls who are beautiful and sweet and optimistic because they feel safe.

Because their nation cares for them. And thus they don't have to worry about these things.

I want to make it so she never has to deal with bad things.

I want to do it so that she doesn't even know it's being done.

Or, at least, that it is done in one fell swoop.

That's the hockey stick.

Everything I do should make her feel safe. Like there is nothing to worry about.

One route would be Hyperia. Guaranteed security and location tracking. A widget to easily tap in case of danger.

This would be a great way for the guys to meet girls as well.

If we can build trust with them, everything falls into place.

Build as big of a base as possible while in "beta". Then explode.

Then they take us off the app store.

Then we release our own devices.

Everything has to be lined up perfectly.

X won't remove us, as least not at first.

I need to get closer to her. I don't want to leave Austin.

I need to get an office. As fast as possible. Whatever it takes.

Probably Caleb and Forum are the #1 fastest route.

And Caleb is also wholesome.

I'm sure she would like him and Cierra.