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Lessons/Lessons from Catherine.md

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+
+
+10.2
+
+I was too weak. 
+She wanted to be with me because we had such good times together, but I never made a move. 
+And then I let her go.
+
+10.1
+
+You must be strong and loving at the same time.
+
+Feigned indifference and performative love are useless.
+
+You must look her in the eye, knowing that everything is how it should be. Love.
+
+Your job as a protector and provider is to keep her happy, peaceful, and satisfied.
+
+The level of trust I had in Catherine was so much more than what I had in Sarah, Rayna, Autumn, Pearl, Lauren...
+
+And it was broken. All at once.
+
+Because I wasn't good enough.
+
+Because I was weak.
+
+Because I sought to secure a future without securing the present.
+
+That's what a weak man does. He avoids what he really wants. Saves it for later.
+
+He puts control in the hands of someone else.
+
+A strong man pursues his desires when they come.
+
+A beautiful woman arouses those desires.
+
+Catherine liked it when I flirted with her. She liked it when I touched her. She liked it when I said I wanted to see her tan.
+
+And I, a weak man, did nothing.
+
+A weak fool I am.
+
+Of course it was my fault.
+
+Pussy bitch.
+
+Never give up.
+
+I am increasing in strength.
+
+That's why I told her off, two days ago.
+
+But I am not yet at the level required.
+
+That's why I did not pursue her.
+
+
+9.30
+
+Perhaps the real problem with Catherine was not lack of achievement, but instability.
+
+Stability was my vision with Sarah, that day. Silversmithing, living in a decent house with some land.
+
+Stability in the short term is meaningless. What about stability for our descendants?
+
+That's the problem. None of us have families. None of us are invested in the future.
+
+We are trying to aggressively shape the present.
+
+It doesn't have to be this way. Everything I do seems to have a short and long-term option.
+
+Everything I do needs to be connected to that tradition.
+
+Honestly, this is the difference between Christianity and not.
+
+People who make their living from chaos are meant to be bred out of society.
+
+The problem, the core problem that I have wrestled with time and time again, is that we need those people.
+
+They are our best soldiers.
+
+Love from the heart is long-term.
+
+Love from the head is not.
+
+Calculating love, love which is trying to achieve an outcome, is not love.
+
+That is why it is so imperative to either speak to someone or do not think of them.
+
+Elsewise, the head becomes disconnected from the heart.
+
+The tongue becomes disconnected from love.
+
+And love falls out of the relationship.
+
+It should never be that way.
+
+I really did love Catherine.
+
+I'm just a piece of shit.
+
+
+~8.30
+
+All I want is for her to keep being happy and innocent.
+
+That is why I don't want to discuss too much of politics with her.
+
+Because I love her. And I love Life when I am with her.
+
+If there is any point of politics in this world, it is to have more girls like Catherine.
+
+Girls who are beautiful and sweet and optimistic because they feel safe.
+
+Because their nation cares for them. And thus they don't have to worry about these things.
+
+I want to make it so she never has to deal with bad things.
+
+I want to do it so that she doesn't even know it's being done.
+
+Or, at least, that it is done in one fell swoop.
+
+That's the hockey stick.
+
+Everything I do should make her feel safe. Like there is nothing to worry about.
+
+One route would be Hyperia. Guaranteed security and location tracking. A widget to easily tap in case of danger.
+
+This would be a great way for the guys to meet girls as well.
+
+If we can build trust with them, everything falls into place.
+
+Build as big of a base as possible while in "beta". Then explode.
+
+Then they take us off the app store.
+
+Then we release our own devices.
+
+Everything has to be lined up perfectly.
+
+X won't remove us, as least not at first.
+
+I need to get closer to her. I don't want to leave Austin.
+
+I need to get an office. As fast as possible. Whatever it takes.
+
+Probably Caleb and Forum are the #1 fastest route.
+
+And Caleb is also wholesome.
+
+I'm sure she would like him and Cierra.

Lessons/Lessons from Rice.md

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+
+
+Debauchery comes from not dealing with one's problems.
+
+
+Going back there was such a mistake.
+
+I was clearly so much happier at home.
+
+But maybe it was right. 
+
+Maybe I needed to get out there. See it to the end.
+
+Right now, the question. Do I rest before the war?
+
+Could I be as happy there as I was in 2019?
+
+And then, before I left, I became unhappy again.
+
+I was so anxious all the time.
+
+Never knowing when Aliza would come down on me.
+
+And it is the same with Nate.
+
+But, on the other hand,
+
+Fights must be seen to the end.
+
+We cannot falter. Cannot run.
+
+
+I hate this feeling, to be honest.
+
+Or maybe I love it. I don't know.
+
+What do I really want?
+
+I want to ...
+
+ugh.
+
+
+I want Noah and Delaney in a more humid place.
+
+
+We need to figure this out.
+
+Have a real conversation about it.
+
+Not distract ourselves like fools.
+
+I need to talk to him tomorrow.
+
+And Kyle.
+
+If he's serious about investment.
+
+
+
+Noah fucked me up with those mushrooms. To be honest.
+
+These drugs aren't good for me.
+
+Only caffeine.
+
+Even that isn't really good. 
+
+But it's so much better than everything else.
+
+Should I just pull an all-nighter?
+
+I'm so hungry and I need to do stuff.
+
+I am go slow.
+
+
+
+
+
+I need to READ and DELETE all my notes. Why TF are they even in there?
+
+
+So disorganized.